Monday, September 14, 2009

Who The Hell Does That Happen To?

I got the inspiration for this one at 5 o'clock this morning when I woke up to a loud crashing noise. The boyfriend woke up too but for some reason I was the one to go investigate. (You know, come to think of it, I'm always the one that gets up to inspect strange noises..hmm) Anyway, I check the bathroom first as our shower curtain has a tendency to fall down at very random times. I found the shower curtain completely as it should be. My next stop was the living room where everything was in its place and then I turned to look in the kitchen... I found our super schnazzy fluorescent light hanging from the ceiling by just the wires. There are bits of ceiling on the floor and it looks like the screws just ripped completely out. Luckily we are living in an apartment and they have a maintenance team to handle things like this so it shouldn't cost us anything to have it replaced. But really, who the hell does that happen to?!

I survived the snow and ice of last winter unscathed. It was a one year old that took me down. I was working as a pre-school teacher and was trying to change the diaper of an exceptionally squirmy and incredibly heavy 14 month old. Once the diaper was finally changed I lifted him up to move him all of 5 feet to his crip for naptime. I made it about 2 feet when he started squirming as I simultaneously stepped on a toy, lost my balance and landed on my left knee while still holding the kid. As I'm writhing on the floor in pain and uttering censored profanities (ie: fudge, shidoodee, fiddle sticks) the little booger started laughing and clapping his hands. Fun for him = a trip to the hospital for me. I spent the holidays in what they call a knee immobilizer. I referred to it as the freaking mattress the doctor made me wear around my leg. Let me tell you how fun it is to Christmas shop like that. I'm responsible for knocking down several displays at Belk.

It was March, I was in a crappy mood and The Boyfriend and I were in Wal-Mart. He was browsing aisle by aisle while I followed, arms crossed, toes tapping. I was ready to go. The Boyfriend likes to make sure that we get the best deal by comparing the prices of absolutely EVERYTHING. For me, turning a 4 hour shopping trip into a 30 minute shopping trip is worth the extra money. Anyway, I'm starting to get really snippy with him so he recommends that I go browse the books and he'll meet me up front. So I stomp off to the book section and I suddenly remember that there is in fact a book that I want. Once I deduce that Wal-Mart does not carry this book, I turn to stomp back towards the cash registers. I make it about four steps when I suddenly find myself hitting the floor ass first. Stunned, I look around to try to figure out what has happened. As I try to stand up, my foot slides out from under me and I'm back on the floor. At this point I can hear The Boyfriend laughing hysterically behind me...Go figure that this would happen the exact moment that he walks up. Once I finally get back on my feet and manage to stay there, I find the culprit. It's a small green grape...the only small green grape on the floor of the entire Wal-Mart, and it just so happened to end up under my foot. The Boyfriend describes it like this...he says "I see her stomping around in the book section all pissed off and then suddenly, she's gone. Then her head pops up for a second, and she goes down again." I'm glad someone got a laugh out of it.

One of the craziest things that's happened to me took place in the office of a company that I used to work for. I was on the phone with a client explaining the benefits of his insurance policy. I had an itch on my leg and when I reached down to relieve said itch, my finger was met by what felt like a lit match. I look down and there is a giant bumble bee hanging out on the seam of my khakis. Keep in mind, I'm still on the phone with the client. The burning quickly turns to throbbing as my hand begins to swell up. I'm waving around like a lunatic trying to get the attention of a co-worker. I explain to my client that I need to call him back, trying to keep my voice steady and hold in the expletives that are dying to burst out. I slam down the phone and let the words loose (I think I taught my boss some new ones that day).

Hope you enjoyed. Feel free to leave your "who the hell does that happen to" stories in the comments. I love to hear other people's. It makes me feel like Murphy isn't just out to get me! (In case you're having a slow moment, Murphy, like Murphy's Law)


  1. Rewind years ago to 1989. I was twenty-four. (Okay Lins I can hear you running the math in your head so I'll just tell you I'm forty-four now). lol

    Anyway, 1989. I'm twenty-four and have just bought a used Honda Prelude, stick-shift. Which means I've just paid $13,000 for a car that I don't know how to drive because I've never driven standard. That made me either brave or stupid, not sure which. But being a guy in my early twenties you can guarantee there was some stupid in there somewhere.

    So I'm at a light that's just turned green and I'm running the play-book in my head: lift off the clutch. Push on the gas. Shift into second. It's a beautiful sunny day, birds are singing, bunnies frolicking in the meadows and all that. The car windows are open and a f&*$%# (can I swear here?) wasp lands smack-dab RIGHT in the middle of my forehead! Suddenly all thought goes out the window, hand flails to knock the little bugger out the window, my feet and other hand try to remember what order they're supposed to be in.....well, it's not the weirdest thing that's happened to me but it certainly was memorable.

    I'll write about the weirdest later this evening, gotta run for now.


  2. This is more a story of co-incidence than anything bad. My friend and I backpacked through Europe in '87 by rail on a whirlwind tour (eleven countries in five weeks).

    Shortly before we left I was in the passport office in Toronto. As a single guy biding time in the waiting room, I couldn't help notice this smokin' cute girl waiting as well. So I struck up a conversation and found out her name was Sue and that she was frantically trying to obtain her passport before she left. I got mine and wished her the best of luck as I walked out.

    A few weeks later my buddy and I are sitting in the Hofbrahaus (beer hall) in Munich, Germany. Who comes walking down the aisle? Yup, it was Sue! We all had a drink together. She had a boyfriend (a pesky annoyance for a single guy), but man what a "how we met" story that would have made!

    Sorry, weirdest one still to follow. Gotta run again!


  3. Oh no! I loved reading about all your crazy experiences. I'm glad you're able to look back at most of them and laugh!

  4. Okay, here it is. This definitely qualifies Lins. Since y'all are sitting in your chair in Texas, I'll break it down for you 'cause this happened a million miles away.

    I worked in a large warehouse for a telephone company years ago. I won't tell you the name but it rhymes with Bell Canada. :)

    I was standing at my desk on the main floor working away as usual, doing QA on some parts or something. I saw a quick flash of brown fur behind me and thought it might be a dog. Which would have been strange enough. I turned around and it was a deer! In my office, in a warehouse!

    My first reaction was to jump up on the table; I haven't been around deer often and they don't scare me, but he was spooked. I knew if he kicked he could seriously hurt me, possibly break a leg.

    Animal control was called and they eventaully subdued the poor fella and took him/her out. There was construction North of us and we figured the deer must have wandered down the street and into our building. We weren't sure how it got in, maybe through the docks. Possibly snuck by Security with fake ID,cleverly disguised as an unshaven co-worker speaking very poor English.

    Deer are smart that way. ;)

  5. Barry you crack me up! That is priceless and blows my bee story out of the water! Loved the story about the girl in Munich. I am a sucker for "meet cutes".